How to Stop Drifting Apart
How leaning towards one another in every season keeps you close - 4 minute read
Lately, for us, life has been getting in the way of good, quality time together. We've had a lot on our plate, a bunch of extracurricular events and some emotionally draining family stuff too. After a while, it feels like we're not as connected. Like the ease and the flow aren't there and we need to do the work to connect again.
Let’s talk about something that affects every marriage but is something we can overcome together if we’re intentional and aware.
Drift. The slow, silent killer of marriages.
Life has a way of pulling at us. Wearing us down. Distracting us and keeping us busy and in a constant state of mild overwhelm.
Recently we picked up a new puppy. (That's a story all in itself!) But the home we picked her up from was chaos. It was pretty clean and tidy but the amount of activity and things happening was frantic. And the window of time to pick up the dog was small because of all the extracurricular stuff the kids had to be at. I thought, "When do you guys have the energy and time to truly connect?"
Life has seasons of busyness, sure. But drift is so common because we say yes to too many things and we fail to prioritise our marriage. Time together is often in the gap between other things as opposed to being its own valuable thing.
I think most marriages exist in a state of mild disconnection... at best.
The standard 'fixes' don't work.
To fix the ongoing emotional tiredness inside us we often turn towards a range of mostly unhealthy options. People use different kinds of escape. We sit in front of the TV, laptop or phone and binge watch shows we semi-like. We self-medicate with alcohol or gaming so our soul can defrag enough to cope with the next day.
When it comes to our marriages we can feel guilty for our emotional distance or lack of energy in the relationship. Some people whisk their spouse away for lavish weekends of expensive meals and passionate sex to try and shorten the distance between their hearts and make up for their lack of regular connecting.
Why doesn't it work?
Most solutions people use can actually exacerbate the problem, distancing them even more from their spouse. The trip away, for example, attempts to quickly fill up the gaps, but it's like cramming for an exam. You can't replace regular quality time with a sudden rush of quantity time. Often it is a stopgap, a bandaid, a 'romantic weekend' to solve all their problems. It's not a replacement for regular time together and it won’t have the same lasting effect.
(FYI - I'm all for regular weekends away. Our speaking and travel schedule has ironically created a lot of extra connecting time for us. So, yes, take each other away. Yes, do it regularly. But don't do it to mask your problems and pretend they aren't still there when you get home.)
So here's a big part of the solution:
Lean towards one another in every season
When we are sensing our disconnection there's always a decision we get to make. "Will I move towards my spouse in this moment?" Regardless of the state you're in, the level of overwhelm, the situation or your level of tiredness or disconnection we always get the decision to move towards them or not.
Make the choice to lean towards one another... daily... no matter the season, situation or how you're feeling in the moment. Do it. Even right now. How can you lean towards your spouse right now? Even if they're not responding in kind.
The Gottman Institute (link below) provides an excellent understanding of this. "Turning towards starts with paying attention." Notice when your spouse is turning towards you and respond in kind. It might be small like a kiss on the cheek or an offer to sit with them and watch TV. Or it might be bigger like an invitation to help them resolve something or going on a date night (LINK) or debriefing the day together.
Life pulls at us. And generally, it's in the other direction. So if we're moving parallel, it's not really enough. We need to be living in a continual lean towards one another. Don't settle for parallel. These aren't train tracks that never separate. We're living lives that are dynamic and have lots of invisible forces at play such as work pressure, financial strain, relationship conflict, unmet expectations, sickness, kids, teenagers(!), ageing parents, maintaining friendships, etc.
Decide to live leaning towards each other. Send this to your spouse right now and talk about how you can make this happen together.
Here are 2 resources that will help.
- Connection Snapshot Survey - Download this, and print 2 copies. Fill it out separately. Discuss your answers together with the view to connect more and turn towards each other more regularly.
- Turning Towards and Not Away - Gottman Institute blog post.
