Laugh More, Play More
How to have more fun and feel more connected in your marriage - 4 min read + discussion questions
Imagine in your loungeroom there's a big gauge on the wall. It's got a label above it that says FUN METER. It adjusts automatically every day depending on how much fun you're having in your marriage. The dial reads from 1 to 10.
What does it read for your marriage right now?
To be happy in our marriage we need an element of life and fun. There should be playful moments, plenty of laughter and mutual enjoyment.
Laughter, play, and fun are important factors that help build strong connections between people. Check out this quote:
And this quote from Victor Borge always gets me:
“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people”
When was the last time you laughed hard together?
Take a second and think about it. I'll wait.
Maybe it was over something your kid said. Or a comedy special you were both watching (Tom Papa, I love you!). Maybe it was a crazy story your spouse told you about their co-worker. Or you had friends around for dinner and it got slightly personal but also hilarious because it was surprisingly insightful!
I'm on TikTok. I know, I haven't posted in a while but I'll be back soon. I like to save funny TikTok videos and watch them with Beck. Almost every time I'm laughing so hard it's hard to breathe and she's smiling politely. But sometimes we're both dying with laughter and I love it.
Some of my favourite moments with my wife are when we've been talking about a situation at work and I'm purposefully making the dumbest suggestions. She's laughing... then I keep upping the ante and, for some reason, she's doubled over on the bed trying to catch her breath she's laughing so hard. These are times I want to hit the Pause button on life!
One of the most touching things Beck ever wrote in a card to me was,
"I never believed that I'd be still having this much fun 25 years into our marriage."
To a Words of Affirmation guy, this hit me right in the feels :)
Let’s talk about you…
How much do you laugh together? I don't mean at each other. I mean together. Because here's the thing... if most of your interactions are logistics, requests or intense emotional conversations you probably need some lighter moments too.
We need pockets of joy.
Moments of light and shade.
Relief to the intensity.
Fun inside the day-to-day.
Marriage encompasses our whole lives and includes juggling the glorious alongside the mundane. But sometimes the mundane takes over. We feel like roommates, not soulmates and our relationship feels more transactional than enjoyable.
George Faller of FOREPLAY Radio - Couples and Sex Therapy (LINK) fame uses a helpful 3 road analogy:
“The High Road—the road of great energy, great sex, vacations, and excitement.
The Middle Road—the grind of everyday life. It’s doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, and cooking dinner.
The Low Road—relationship depth. It’s diving into deep conversations, sharing, and vulnerability.”
We need to move between all 3 roads. It's unreasonable to think it'll all be beautiful, glorious moments. It could be pretty intense to stay on the low road for too long. But it's boring to be stuck in the middle. We need a mix.
This is why play, laughter and fun are important. They help us stay connected so we can enjoy the high road, survive the middle road and safely enter the low road.
How to get the fun back
If you need to get your fun groove back here's how to do it.
Start with low-level hilarity - Watch funny shows together, go see a comedy show, check out Tom Papa on Netflix. We've just discovered Modern Family on Disney+. We're laughing every episode together.
Try new things - Ever see Indian Matchmaking? One of the couple's first dates was... Yoga and mini-goats! They had so much fun trying to do a yoga class together while tiny goats jumped all over people. Hilarious!
Don't take everything too seriously! - If you're grumpy most of the time, lighten up. Enjoy life a little! Stop sweating the small stuff and be grateful for what you have. Learn to see the lighter side of things.
Learn to playfully dig at one another... know where the line is! - Beck was heavily pregnant with our twins and told me she felt like a whale... so I did my best impression of whale sounds and she laughed so hard she collapsed on the bed! But then she stopped laughing and I knew that was where the line was. Don't get offensive but dig a little in areas where it's ok.
Remember what you used to do - Think back to when your relationship was less stressful or intense. What did you use to do to have fun? How could you introduce that element again?
Focus on connecting every day and week - It's harder to enjoy each other and be playful when you feel disconnected. When you focus on being connected you'll find it much easier to play and have fun.
Discussion questions
How much fun are we having? What's our fun meter level?
What could we do to stress less and have more fun?
What comedy shows could we try to watch together?
What did we do when we were dating that was fun?
What could we try that is outside the box for us?
