From House Mates to Soul Mates
How did we get from soul mates to roommates so fast? And what's the cure for heteropessimism? - 4 min read
I can't get this thought out of my mind. A concept I read about in an article by The Conversation on what is known as Heteropessimism. This is the negative idea that there is no real hope for hetero relationships. They're almost doomed to fail, or, just as bad, be... stagnant.
Unfulfilling. Bland. A tad boring. That intimacy would inevitably fade. That over time all the fun gets sucked out, the joy evaporates and the closeness you once enjoyed changes and now you feel like housemates. Or like you signed a mutual-parent-agreement.
No, no, a thousand times NO.
There has to be a better way. There IS a better way.
We have landed as a society in an unhealthy space when it comes to our mindset on long-term relationships and marriage. We either gravitate to the camp of worship and 'glorious fulfilment' or relational pessimism.
He or she will complete me, be my everything, we'll do everything together, be everything for each other. This is my one and only, my soul mate, lover, sexual explorer, world traveller, business partner, my... god almost.
Or we have lost hope. This person is my roommate, the other parent, the one I try desperately to divide up the chores evenly with. And now we're stuck in this funk. This muddy water. Quicksand almost. Yet we live together, drive the same kids around and even manage to have sex sometimes. But the joy is lost. And the hope is fading. We have fallen and we can't get up.
But you can.
We don't need to exist in either camp. Both are unhealthy. In fact, one leads to the other. If I elevate my spouse to be my 'everything', eventually they let me down. Multiple times. I realise they're not perfect and they can't fulfil in me all of my needs and desires. The funk begins. Hopelessness creeps in like a disease and starts to take over. Before you know it, we're not on the same page anymore. Busyness and distraction have taken hold and now I'm holding my spouse at arm's length. Vulnerability is shrinking and our emotional intimacy is at an all-time low.
What the heck is the cure?
The cure for marital pessimism is a 'together vision'. A vision of your future relationship that you both agree on and commit to. And build. Together.
Years ago, Beck and I made an agreement. That we would be lovers and best friends. That is the dream and the plan for our marriage. We don't want to end up as mere companions or housemates or separated in our hearts or lives. Both lovers and best friends, no matter what.
That set wheels in motion for some of the hardest conversations we've ever had. And weeks of tension, months of funkiness and awkwardness. But we knew we had both committed to the big goal, the big dream of both lovers and best friends.
Was that fun? No way. Did it lead to more closeness? Eventually, it always led us there.
So where do you start?
1. Ask the Big Question
The big question is this: What do we want to build together? Talk about it. Think about it. Go on date nights and discuss it. If your future is not on your radar right now, move it into view. Take the time to consider it and talk about it. Send this to your spouse (or read it with them) and start making a plan together.
Start with dreaming again. What COULD this be? What could we build if we were both in it?
2. Define the Problem
Define the funk you're in.
Is it disconnection? Hopelessness? Unforgiveness? Has the craziness of life simply taken its toll? When was the last time you went on a date or had fun together? Maybe you're just chronically disconnected. How much time do you spend together? Maybe there's been a major event. An affair. Maybe there's insecurity tearing you apart.
Define the problem. Once you can define it, you can work to remove it.
3. Come Back Together
What are the changes you need to make? Maybe it's more physical time together. Activate date nights again. Put down your phone more often. Talk more.
Maybe you need to work through forgiveness or you need to book some counselling (either personal or together).
What are the things you need to do to start moving towards where you both want to be? Make a list. Move beyond the funk and get into some agreement. Start small if you need to.
Then, get to work. Do the first thing. Put it on your calendar. Make it happen. Book the restaurant or the counsellor or the babysitter. Find the money and make it happen.
And…
And stop worshipping your spouse. They can't be your everything. It's doomed to fail. Yes, build intimacy. Yes, stay close. Yes do life together and work as a team, have glorious sex and go on adventures, take risks and do it all together. But your spouse can't fulfil your every need and desire.
A together vision brings balance and opens conversations about what is healthy and ideal moving into the future together. How will we have time to build great friendships? How can we empower each other in our personal goals and dreams? How can we accomplish our mutual goals too?
To know more about reconnecting, getting on the same page and having a together vision, grab a copy of my book below.
