Why Avoiding Conflict is Making You Lonely
Why avoiding conflict to get ‘peace’ comes at the expense of intimacy - 4 minute read
Emma and Peter have what seems to be a happy marriage. They never seem to fight, they have a tidy house, a couple of newish cars and their kids are pretty well-behaved. On the surface, everything looks good. Other couples look at them and are a bit jealous. Some of Emma's friends wish they could be in a perfect marriage like hers. She and Peter just seem so compatible that marriage and family seem effortless.
But Emma and Peter are becoming lonely. What they present to the world isn't what’s going on underneath. On the surface, everything seems great, but there's a lack of depth. Their relationship stays at surface level. It’s shallow and, as a result, their level of emotional intimacy is low. They feel like they are becoming more and more disconnected.
Why?
Because they have created a marriage where peace is the highest value. Not intimacy. Not closeness. Peace and calm.
Peace and calm present well to the outside world but create a lonely marriage if peace is valued over intimacy.
Would you say Emma and Peter's marriage is sustainable?
At my workplace, we've been looking at the 5 Dysfunctions of Team by Patrick Lencioni and I've been considering the concepts in our most important team... marriage. On his 5-level pyramid, 'Absence of Trust' is at the base and rightly so. Relationships are established and built on trust and so are effective teams. On the 2nd level up is 'Fear of Conflict' of which he says,
"The desire to preserve artificial harmony stiflesproductive ideological conflict within the team."
See that? Artificial harmony.
Fake peace.
This can happen in our marriages when we don't know how to engage in healthy conflict. Maybe we had a big fight that was left unresolved or we hurt each other horribly. And now we work to avoid conflict at nearly any cost. We are scared to 'rock the boat' because we haven't learned how to get on the same page, how to compromise, talk about a problem with kindness or the importance of listening to understand.
We must allow conflict to bring us closer together. Healthy conflict helps us resolve our problems, repair the relationship, understand one another and develop emotional intimacy again.
Here are three goals for restoring healthy conflict and moving towards true peace and real intimacy.
Have a culture of openness and honesty
Learn to have a loving, robust conversation
Make vulnerability normal again
Emma and Peter can be sustainable…by letting themselves be vulnerable, brave & authentic. By beginning to share their hearts and bare their soul again (and responding in respect and kindness), the emotional intimacy will return. And learning healthy ways of disagreeing and coming together around a problem will only reinforce the safety needed to continue moving forwards in vulnerability together.
How can we do this? Here are 5 ways you can put an end to artificial peace and restore your intimacy:
1. Give each other permission to feel and express feelings
Expressing how you feel is an act of vulnerability. "Hey, I'm a little worried about some stuff at work, can you help me talk through a few things?"
Also, give feedback in the moment. "Hey, when you come home really late I get worried. Can you text me if you're running behind at work?"
Expressing your feelings in your marriage is normal and healthy, especially if done with respect and without attacking the other person.
2. Learn how to have an important discussion
When you need to talk about something important your timing, tone of voice and listening skills are critical. Dive into this post here for some key aspects to include in your next serious 'chat'.
3. Start with something small and manageable
When you are learning how to fight in a healthy way, start small. Choose something that is a minor frustration and begin to discuss it together. Listen actively and love generously and you're on your way! *
4. Make it a regular check-in conversation
If we’re going to keep short accounts, stay connected and do conflict well we don’t want to go back to fake peace! Keep up the communication. Make it normal. Not incessant or nagging of course. Just work on your openness to each other. Keep it honest and keep it kind.
Maybe even have a once-a-week check-in to see if there are any potential issues. A type of weekly Festivus!
5. Go all out and talk about the way you fight
Dive in and have a future-focused conversation with your spouse. What isn't working about the way you have conflict? Why have one or both of you shut down in this area? Talk about how you talk, how you communicate, and how you disagree and fight. What will you improve? How will you give each other permission to bring up things to
Finally, send this to your spouse or read it together. Talk about what level of openness and intimacy you want to build in your marriage. How do you want it to be? Download the Vision survey over at the Resources tab and map out together some important ways forward for your life and relationship.
Want to grow in your unity even more? Grab a copy of my book and explore the Unity section. Enjoy!
* Special Note - You don’t need to nitpick every single little issue. But airing small frustrations can be a good starting point to learn to deal with conflict in a healthy way. Most of the time, for us, we just try to cover over a problem with grace. No need to bring it up or let it stew for a later date. Just move on in love and don’t mention it.