How to Have a Hard Conversation
How to have a conversation about something that deeply matters to you.
It can be difficult to have a hard conversation. By that I mean a talk that moves us towards agreement. That’s different to other conversations we might have. There’s the end-of-the-workday debrief. The making plans conversation. The intentional check-in. The organic, fun connecting moments. The I'm-just-letting-you-know-because-this-will-impact-us-in-some-way chat.
But this is different. Let's talk about a conversation that creates unity. Things might get tense or heated as you walk through an issue but if you undergird it with love and kindness and listen to understand you can get on the same page about anything.
The set-up
Hard conversations work best in the right conditions. So set it up. You need 3 things: Timing, energy, and a loving approach.
Firstly, make sure you get the timing right. Don’t raise the issue when you’re about to walk out the door for work. You don’t want to arrive at a critical point in your conversation and have to cut it off and leave things hanging because you only gave yourself 15 minutes to fix something that’s been on your mind for 3 months. Carve out enough time. Head out for coffee or dinner or grab a lounge at home and settle in. Chocolate always helps.
Secondly, you both need emotional energy so you can discuss the problem with kindness and love and not hurt each other.
Lastly, you need a loving approach. You want to tackle the problem together, not point fingers and fight each other. So don’t go in all guns blazing. Start soft. See below.
Do you process internally or externally?
Sometimes it doesn’t work to dive right into the problem you need to solve. You might need to make a time to talk it through, especially if you are time-poor or you haven’t processed your thoughts on what happened yet.
In our early years, I always wanted to talk about things early, even immediately… but not Beck. She’d brood for a few days and wouldn’t open up. It killed me! Eventually, we realised that we were different in how we processed things. I’m an external processor and I process as I talk things out. Beck is an internal processor. She likes to get her thoughts together first and then talk when she knows how she thinks and feels.
This was a game-changer for us. I learned to ask questions and set a time in a few days to discuss it. She learned that she didn’t have to brood and punish me for days before we’d resolve it. Win-win! How do you process things? There’s a fair chance you are the opposite from your spouse. That’s ok. Embrace it and use it.
If the timing isn’t good for you both, try something like, "Can we talk about this tomorrow night babe?"
Start with kindness
We have a code we use when we need to chat about something awkward or difficult. We say, “Hey babe, in the interest of open communication…” Immediately the other person knows, this is important, I should pay full attention to what’s coming next.
There’s a genuine kindness and some vulnerability attached to an opener like this. Straight away your spouse knows this isn’t about the kid’s soccer pickup. There’s going to be something that comes from their heart.
When Beck says this to me I know she’s giving me a little window to prepare… and sometimes to brace myself! When you begin with kindness you create a good expectation that you’re about to work something out as a team, even though it might be difficult to hear.
Sometimes we can’t work out how to say something nicely. So we ask permission to be blunt instead. “Hey, I’m not sure how to say this so I’m just going to say it blunt ok?” Again, kindness. You’re couching the conversation with gentleness, generosity and your own humanity. You’re allowing your spouse to adjust their expectations so they can take what you’ve said appropriately.
Talk it out
Open up. Be honest. Keep a kind spirit while you talk. Let the conversation flow back and forth between you. Listen well. Your goal, remember, is understanding and being together about the thing. It’s about unity.
You’re not fighting each other. That’s super important to remember. You’ve simply discovered an area of disagreement or pain and you’re talking about how to get on the same page.
This is more difficult of course when there’s hurt or offence involved. When this is the case, calmly explaining how you are feeling is super helpful. Use this to help:
I felt…
When you…
I expected…
For example: "I felt sad when you didn't defend me in front of your mum yesterday. I expected you to say something and let her know that wasn't ok."
This helps remove pointing the finger and escalating the chat into a fight.
How to listen like a boss
Listening isn’t an art. It’s a skill that anyone can develop. And if you listen well you’ll be in a good flow with your spouse.
The key is to listen to understand. Not to listen for a break in the conversation so you can release your next glut of wisdom. Listening well means I’m leaning into what the person is saying. And I’m hearing what’s behind what they’re saying.
Recently a friend of mine was talking about an argument he had with his wife a couple of years back. Halfway through the argument, she realised that he wasn’t fighting her… he was just scared. On the surface, they were clashing but she could see something was going on underneath. He was worried about something else and it was surfacing like this.
Listening is giving your spouse your attention and focus so you can understand. The best way to listen is to ask questions that help you understand better. “How are you feeling now about it?” “Is there something we should do?” “What happened next?” “Is there anything I can do?” And clarify anything you’re not sure about too.
Something I say sometimes, which I’m sure Beck loves is this. “Tell me more.” No timeframe. No rush. No phone. No screen. No kids… well… sometimes no kids! Lean in and ask for more info. Even if they’re overtelling the story. Even if you’ve heard too much. Listen.
Listen to understand. Listen to love.
Listening is essential for agreement and therefore unity.
Tips:
Put your phone out of sight.
Turn towards them.
Make eye contact.
Clarify anything you don’t understand.
Repeat important things back to them and allow them to correct you.
Those elements will help you have hard conversations that help you land in the place of agreement, understanding and unity.