The 6 Biggest Sex Insights No One Taught Us
What we learned the hard way... so you don't have to - 6 min read
Over the past 26 years, we've learned the hard way—probably over a hundred times—when it comes to understanding different aspects of sex. No one really taught us much at all in the late 90s! No one explained the value of foreplay, the differences between men's and women's arousal, or what actually makes for a fulfilling sex life.
The truth is, we were utterly clueless.
But... through thousands of conversations with each other (and a few wise mentors!), consuming loads of books and podcasts, and our shared desire to have a great sex life, we gradually pieced things together. And, in the last five years, we've gone even deeper—listening, learning, and discovering so much more.
Here are the six biggest insights we learned—so you don't have to figure them out for yourself. Enjoy!
1. Make Meaningful Sex The Goal
Do you know what meaningful sex is to you? What about what is meaningful sex to your spouse?
"Meaningful" is subjective. But it must be the goal. We don't want just a lot of disconnected, mundane sex or just enough to satisfy our spouse's higher sex drive. We want to have sex that is meaningful for both of us. And how you define it is going to be different for each of you.
But if you can define it, you can communicate it. If you can communicate it, you can work towards it and enjoy it.
This means, firstly, using terminology you both agree on. Take a look at this article we wrote, which gets over 600 hits a month: 6 Types of Sex.
Secondly, it means knowing how to describe what you want in terms of frequency and terminology. For example, "I'd love to make love a few times a month and have some maintenance too. My ideal frequency is a couple of times a week." (Again, see the link above for ideas on terminology.)
Thirdly, try to define what helps you get in the mood. What lead-up works for you? How do you like your spouse to ask or initiate sex? Do you like texts during the day, long chats on the couch, a glass of wine and a foot rub, or a long, passionate kiss out of nowhere?
Think about what meaningful sex means to you, and then talk about it together.
2. Spontaneous vs Responsive Desire
When someone said this, it really made sense. I knew it to be true immediately, and understanding this element of sex is so helpful.
There are generally two types of desire. Responsive and spontaneous.
Men generally have spontaneous desire. They are always ready for sex! They don't need a lot of wooing or emotional foreplay. If a wife looks at her husband sideways, he's ready to go.
The tiniest thing can be a trigger for this type of arousal. A thought or image, seeing your spouse naked or even just a little more skin! Sometimes, there can be barely a trigger at all.
Responsive desire is the type of arousal that builds as a result of certain factors like emotional connection, physical touch and closeness or a safe, private environment.
This type is precisely what it says. It responds to the stimulation around it and is often a gradual build-up. This is where the body and mind enjoy what is happening around them and to them and want more. It is most common in women but can also be in men.
Knowing what type relates to you and to your spouse is super helpful in managing expectations and communicating about sex.
Neither is better; both are different ways of experiencing desire. We're wired differently.
3. Menstrual Cycle Highs and Lows
I wish we had learned about this one early in our marriage! It took us years to figure out.
Here's the nutshell version. Her hormones play a significant role in how willing, prepared and interested she is for sex. And her monthly cycle plays a significant role in her hormones.
After a woman's period has ended, she enters a zone called the fertile window, where her body prepares for ovulation (baby-making time!). During this time, a lot is going on, but essentially, her body is more responsive to touch, her desire for intimacy often increases, and she may experience heightened sensitivity and arousal. Her body produces more estrogen, which boosts natural lubrication and makes sexual activity feel more pleasurable. Many women also feel more confident, flirty, and drawn to physical connection during this phase—her biology works in favour of reproduction, which also means the opportunity for more physical intimacy and fun.
After the fertile window, her body's hormones and readiness for sex die down. Eventually, her body will prepare for the next period. We call that final week the dead zone, hahaha. Her body is less responsive; she is less interested in sex and desires more emotional connection than high-energy, passionate lovemaking.
Men, learn her cycle. I've tracked Beck's cycle for years. I use an app called Clue, but plenty of period-tracking apps are out there. Clue also has articles that help you learn more about the different phases and what's happening in them.
Having an awareness of and talking about her cycle helps manage sex expectations much better. It's been a massive game-changer for us.
4. Different Prerequisites for Sex
This was a recent discovery for us from the brilliant book Eight Dates by the Gottmans and Abrams. It's a bit linked to the types of arousal above. Generally speaking, women have more prerequisites for sex than men.
We say that sometimes all the stars have to align for great sex! 😂. Her arousal could depend on many things such as how she feels about her body that day, her sense of emotional connection with him, the level of privacy, teamwork and stress. Are the kids awake? Is the door locked? What else is happening in her mind? Did she pay the plumber? Is there a situation at work she can't stop thinking about?
Women have a lot more prerequisites for sex than men do.
For men, sex is the perfect thing to do at any time. Stressed? Gee, I could go for some sex. Exhausted? Yes, I'd love a good shag, thanks. Happy with life? What a great time to have sex. It seems that regardless of what is happening in his life, sex is always an excellent option for men.
Understanding this dynamic and your differences is very helpful when managing expectations, communicating about sex and those times when great sex doesn't happen.
5. Pursuer / Withdrawer Dynamics
We learned this from the legends Laurie Watson and George Faller from Foreplay Radio - Couples and Sex Therapy.
Instead of thinking purely in terms of libido, who's is higher, who's is lower, the guys at Foreplay helped us understand it in terms of roles. One is a pursuer, and the other is a withdrawer.
This works in 2 settings. Sex and emotional connection. One person will want more sex. One person will want less. That's very normal. The same goes for emotional connection. One person wants more, the other less. Again, normal.
But understanding the roles and the cycle that this can put a couple in is extremely helpful.
The pursuer has a higher sex drive and pursues the other person for sex. This puts some pressure on the other person, who is the withdrawer. If the withdrawer backs away, the pursuer will often push harder, increasing the pressure on the withdrawer.
Knowing your role in this cycle is helpful because you can identify what is happening and communicate or do things to help ease or break the cycle.
Check out this Foreplay RST podcast episode to learn more - Apple, Spotify
6. "Couples Who Talk About Sex Have Better Sex"
This is another Gottman classic line. And it's true. Only 9% of couples who don't talk about sex have a satisfying sex life. That means that 91% of couples NEED to have conversations so they can get on the same page and enjoy better sex.
We think that the conversation about sex shouldn't ever really stop. It should weave in and out of your lives over the weeks, months and years. Sex is too important to your marriage for the conversation about it to cease. Life is so dynamic and changing that we need to discuss essential things regularly.
Talk about your sex life away from the moments of sexual intimacy. But in the moment direction and praise are really helpful.
Something else to discuss together is the different influences on your sex life.
When did you last have an open, fun discussion about it? Do you do any kind of After-Action Report or check-in? These can be really helpful for sharing appreciation for each other after the fact and highlighting things that you loved.
Want to learn more? How To Talk to Your Spouse About Sex.
There you have it. 6 of the biggest sex insights we have learned about sex over the last 26 years that no one taught us!
Send this to your spouse, or read it together and have a conversation about one of the elements.
You can also set up a date night where you'll talk about sex (and wear something nice!). Of course, prepare them for the topic of conversation first!
Cheers!
Darren & Beck :)
