Unlocking Love Languages
7 big things we learned over 25 years of a happy marriage - 3 minute read + discussion questions
Our love languages are totally different. Polar opposites. Plenty of couples experience this, it's very common. Ours couldn't be more different. And yet, after 25 years we're happier than ever.
I'm Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. She's Acts of Service and Quality Time. We both appreciate Receiving Gifts a little. Love languages are how we give love naturally and how we want to receive love. And when your spouse has different love languages to you it's like learning to speak a different language.
These days Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages are widely accepted. They are a regular part of millions of marriages and are a helpful tool for understanding romantic relationships. Unfamiliar with them? Here’s their website.
After 25 years of marriage and considering each other's Love Languages here's what we've learned.
1. It's hard work but it gets easier
Learning to speak your spouse's love language is work. And the work seems constant, sometimes exhausting and occasionally infuriating but you get better at it the more you work at it.
And the effort you make is worth it! Because we're talking about how we receive love the efforts we make are not in vain.
So keep asking questions and giving helpful feedback. The more the both of you work at it the more loved you'll both feel.
Good feedback could be, "Hey babe, I love that you're trying to love me with gifts but instead of chocolate all the time I also love flowers too."
2. The learning never stops
You're always training them to speak your love languages. And you're always learning to speak theirs.
Remember you are wired differently. It's not your natural way of giving love. So it's going to be imperfect. That's OK. Keep training and learning.
It may never be perfect but you can get into good rhythms though. These days we are pretty good at speaking each other's love languages but we're still training each other in frequency and nuance.
3. Find the bridges
Find activities that bridge love languages for both of you. Things that make you both feel loved. They are mutually enjoyable, beneficial and tank filling.
Massage is one for us. She loves to receive massages. It's an act of service for her. She feels loved by it. I love to touch her. It's not her touching me but it seems to work for me! Win-win. And sometimes it leads to other things...
Find things that bridge both of your languages. Maybe you could:
Snuggle on the couch while you watch your favourite shows (touch and quality time).
Buy a gift like concert tickets that you could experience together (gifts and quality time).
Go on a dinner date where you have planned to tell your spouse things you appreciate about them (quality time and words).
What would work for you both?
4. You get points for trying
Seeing your spouse make an effort to love you the way you feel loved is powerful. Trying is thoughtful. Trying means you are moving towards one another in love. Trying is an act of love in itself.
Don't stop trying! Ask for feedback. Make course corrections. Try again. Keep going. Remember #1 - it gets easier!
5. Acts of Service is the black hole of love languages
I'm joking... but not really.
If your spouse is Acts of Service it’s like it never ends! There's always a ginormous list of what you could be doing instead of what you are doing.
But that doesn't mean it's not important to keep trying.
Ok, here's a BIG ONE. You ready?
6. Doing your share of the housework is not an Act of Service
Doing your fair share is simply taking responsibility for your part and being a good housemate. If your spouse is Acts of Service don't think you are filling their love tank by doing what they rightfully expect you to do anyway.
I had to learn this the hard way. I thought my ‘contributions’ were making her feel loved. It was the opposite. I was doing less than my fair share and it was withdrawing from her tank instead. This went on for years. Me thinking I’m God’s gift, her frustrated that I wasn’t getting it. Eventually we worked it out!
If your rule is one cooks, the other cleans, it's not really an act of love to do it. You’re just not being a jerk housemate. If that’s your rule and you cook AND clean up… that’s love.
If your spouse is Acts of Service and you don't pull your weight around the house, it may impact them even more than if they didn't have that love language.
Remember, we're talking about LOVE here. Love is generous. Not baseline housemate stuff.
Last one…
7. It takes both people trying to make it work
But that is totally possible! Send this to your spouse or read it together. Then sit down and ask each other the following questions:
What do I do that makes you feel loved?
What are our love languages? (download the Love Nudge app for an easy tool)
What is one area I could improve on?
What is one specific thing you’d love me to do that would make you feel loved?
