5 Cues Often Missed for Deeper Connection
How to prevent slipping into a shallow relationship - 4.5 minute read
5 Cues Often Missed for Deeper Connection
Have you ever wasted a night on your phones in two different rooms? You could have connected… but you didn't. And, if you're like me, you felt a bit guilty when you went to bed. Why? Because you chose isolation and distraction instead of connection.
I realised last week that there are doorways to intimacy. But if we miss the cue we'll miss the next level. Here's a graphic I made to illustrate.
Each level takes us closer to intimacy and has a doorway (the question marks) we need to walk through. But that requires understanding and a decision.
The doorways to intimacy (and the cues you might be missing):
Proximity - the doorway to interest
Attention - the doorway to conversation
Acceptance - the doorway to safety
Openness - the doorway to vulnerability
Kind Curiosity - the doorway to intimacy
I hope this makes sense. It's a new discovery of mine based on an organisational concept I learned years ago that specific doorways lead to increasing levels. In this case, connection and intimacy.
Let's unpack it.
1. Proximity is the doorway to Interest
If you rarely spend time in the same room together it's going to be hard to take an interest in each other in the moment. The more time you have near each other the more opportunity you have to turn towards and connect. Proximity is key.
Last night we sat on the couch together sipping a glass of red wine. We weren't chatting a lot, just chilling in the same room really. Eventually, proximity turned into interest and Beck asked me a question. No proximity, no connection.
Proximity is a precursor to interest.
ACTION - Get in the same room more often.
2. Attention is the doorway to Conversation
It's not enough to simply exist in the same room. Proximity is good but it needs to turn interest into attention. Some people don't spend enough time in proximity to their spouse for it to have this effect. They get bored or go and get a job done or something.
Once you've got their attention you can start a conversation. "Hey, wanna see that new movie on Friday night?" or "So, at work today Susan told me about this hilarious thing that happened" or "Hey, how's your back going? Are those new exercises working?"
Proximity sparks interest. Interest means we give them our attention. And now we have a conversation.
ACTION - Turn towards them, and give them your full attention. Sit closer and ask a question.
3. Acceptance is the doorway to Safety
That thing your spouse is telling you? How you respond says a lot to them. Are you listening (creating safety) or not? Emotional safety is important for deeper connection. Without it, you'll stay in the shallow zone. Which is fine for a while. But shallow is a horrible place to live in your marriage.
Expressing acceptance to your spouse is easy. Just keep listening. Maintain attentiveness. Actively listen, nod your head and ask follow-up questions.
"Then what happened?"
"And what did you do?"
"Are you ok?"
"Your colleague is hilariously ridiculous. Are you for real?"
Lean into what they're saying. Put your phone down. Away. Out of sight. Otherwise, you're sending a signal that your phone is more important than they are. And that doesn't create safety.
ACTION - Practice active listening skills. These give clear signals that you're accepting who they are as they talk.
4. Openness is the doorway to Vulnerability
That safety we just created for each other means we feel the freedom to open up. To share something that's on our mind or heart.
But it's still a decision. Choosing to be open with our spouse about a thing is an invitation. We're inviting them to come a little closer, to open up to us too and become a little vulnerable.
When building relationships the person who is vulnerable first sets the depth of the conversation and gives the other person permission to do the same.
Think about it. When a friend shares that they're struggling with something we meet them at the same level. We don't jump back to surface-level conversation. "Oh right... how's that heat outside?" That would be weird and awkward.
ACTION - Open up. Share something from your heart. A success or struggle.
5. Kind Curiosity is the doorway to Intimacy
Remember that time you were opening up to your spouse and they got a text message and checked it immediately? How did that make you feel? Probably a bit horrible and unloved. And you might have even exited the depth and jumped back into shallow conversation again.
"Sorry, what were you saying?."
"Nothing, it's ok. What do you want for dinner?"
Responding in kindness communicates to your spouse that you're accepting and loving them in their openness. You're giving them permission to continue.
It also allows us to get curious. And this is where the real gold is. Curiosity is so powerful because you're exploring the depth of one another and that creates true intimacy.
Intimacy is into-me-see. It's where we give one another a window into what's happening inside us. This is why kindness and curiosity are so important. Through kindness, we feel accepted even as we share stuff from our hearts. Through curiosity, we embark on new journeys of understanding and knowing one another.
ACTION - As your spouse opens up to you ignore distractions, listen carefully, be kind and get curious.
So, let's summarise. How can we respond and meet the 5 essential cues for depth?
Prioritise proximity. Get physically closer for longer.
Turn towards them, and give them your full attention. Sit closer and ask a question.
Practice active listening to communicate acceptance.
Open up. Share something from your heart. Success or struggle.
Be kind and get curious as they share from their heart!
Try this and let us know what you discovered!
