How to Talk About Sex with Your Spouse
Without it getting super awkward.
- A conversation guide -
4-minute read
No one wants an unfulfilling sex life. No one. And yet very few people are prepared to talk about sex with their spouse.
I get it. It's awkward. And you've probably had some previous conversations that have hit a nerve or turned into a fight.
But only 9% of couples who don't talk about sex have a fulfilling sex life. It's a fact:
Couples who talk about sex have better sex. (Gottman)
So let's get the conversations rolling!
We’ll cover:
How to bring up the subject in the first place
Setting up the conversation (date night anyone?)
All the elements of sex you can discuss together
The importance of using the same terminology
How to navigate awkward moments and push-back
The idea of an ‘After Action’ report
Let’s get into it.
How to bring up the subject…
Here are a few suggestions for opening up this delicate topic with your spouse. Even if it's gone badly in the past you'll find one of these helpful:
Hey babe, when would be a good time for us to talk about our sex life? I'd like us to work on that area so we are both happy.
Hey, I know this hasn't always gone well for us in the past, but what if we had an awkward conversation about sex so we can get on the same page?
Hey, do you want to talk about sex sometime? I think it would be so good if we were both really fulfilled in that area. I think it would draw us closer.
I love our sex life but at the risk of you freaking out do you think we could have a chat about it sometime? You know, so that we keep growing together in that space?
Perhaps a vocal debut..."Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me..." but seriously, so that I can be the best I can for you in that area babe, are you open to us actually talking about it?
One of these, or something like it, should help to pry open the awkward topic and help you set a time to discuss your sex life.
Set up the chat
When it comes time for the actual conversation to happen (say, Friday date night) you want to create a good atmosphere, be in a good mindset and come prepared, at least somewhat.
What works for you as a couple when discussing a touchy subject? A glass of wine and the kids in bed? A classy bar? A walk along the lakeside near your house? A block of chocolate and some soft John Mayer in the background?
Consider how to set up the chat in the best possible way. Then, come ready to be open, honest, kind and compassionate and work like a team.
Conversations about sex can bring up all kinds of fears, hurts and past traumas or failures. Both of you want to approach the conversation with grace, kindness and warmth towards each other.
Elements of Sex to Discuss
There are lots of dynamics and aspects to sex. Consider discussing the following elements:
Frequency and different sex drives.
Warm-up and arousal.
Positions and preferences.
Timing and Energy levels (e.g. on Monday nights I'm exhausted).
The state of the bedroom (tidy, clean, fresh, uncluttered).
Preferred conditions for you (e.g. kids asleep, certain time of her cycle, music or none, temperature, hygiene, scent, clean teeth).
Likes and dislikes (also known as brakes and accelerators).
A good or bad experience you had together recently (and what you can learn from it).
Anything else on your mind!
Use the Same Terminology
It's so important, when talking about sex or asking for sex that you both know what the other is referring to.
Asking for a bonk when you want passionate lovemaking is like asking for a handful of almonds when you want a roast dinner! The chances are, you're going to be misunderstood which is going to leave you lacking and wanting. And you didn't get what you expected, not because you didn't ask, but because your spouse didn't know what you meant.
I've already written a popular post on 6 Types of Sex so go check it out and discuss what terms you want to use together.
Navigating Push-Back and Awkward moments
Sometimes these conversations don't go as planned. They bring up past hurts and frustrations, they get awkward or tense and it can feel like you're going backwards.
Remember to:
Listen to understand your spouse. Understanding one another is a key ingredient in getting on the same page (unity).
Pause and take a break if it gets heated.
Apologise where there has been a hurt or problem that was your fault.
Be kind, loving, generous and gracious.
Pause and think before you speak.
Ask for permission to be blunt if necessary.
Have an After 'Action' Check-in
My friend is in the military and after an exercise they do an AAR (After Action Report) so here's our version! When does it work for you both to do a check-in after some 'action'? Checking in sometimes is important and can reassure or affirm each other.
You don’t need to check in every time. Only when you want to praise your spouse, make a slight adjustment or kindly ask them not to do something they tried.
Other influences on your sex life (for later discussion)
I've also written a post on 6 things that influence your sex life. Check it out and add it to a later discussion or date night!
Date Night Questions
What is working for us right now in the bedroom?
What does meaningful sex look like for you?
How often do you expect that kind of sex?
What about the other types of sex?
Which of the 6 influences is affecting our sex life?
