5 Easy Steps to Restore Connection
Do these 5 simple things to start feeling close to your spouse again. - 2 min read
It happens to every couple. Disconnection. And for a myriad of reasons. A busy season, sickness, distraction, boredom, or even slowly drifting apart. But disconnection feels terrible.
Right now, I’ve got COVID. For the first time! I feel like I’m one of the last ones to get it. I’m isolating in our bedroom and Beck is sleeping in our daughter’s room on a spare mattress. I wear a mask around the house when I have to get something… but the lack of real human interaction is killing me! I feel… disconnected from the people in my house. And I’m still living here!
Disconnection happens. So how do we reconnect? How do we restore our connection so we’re close again? So we’re connected in our hearts again?
Start shallow
How was your day? What did you eat for lunch? Did you get that meme I sent you? Damn, that was funny.
Start shallow. Start with something small. Ask a bunch of questions and tell stories about your day. Share whatever pops into your mind. Shallow is a great start.
Hang around (don’t rush off)
Don’t pull the pin early. And gosh, don’t pull out your phone or walk into another room. Just ask another question or tell them something else.
Stay in the same room. Increase your proximity. Get physically closer for longer periods of time and just… hang around.
Push through any awkwardness
When you’re really disconnected, it can be awkward to begin restoring that connection again. Just push through it and keep going. True connection is heart-to-heart and that can take a while.
It’ll feel weird at first. That’s ok. It’s normal. You’re re-establishing the connection of your minds, hearts and lives. “Embrace the awkward”, Beck says. Push through in your mind and keep engaging.
Roll with the conversation
So they’re telling you some long-winded, mind-numbing story about an idiot colleague of theirs… so what? Then they start explaining every minute detail of some report they had to write which you don’t understand. That’s ok. Roll with it.
Let your heart slowly open up as they are slowly opening theirs. We use stories to test for safety and acceptance. If you get bored and “check out” of the conversation you’re saying to your spouse, “Don’t share those parts of your life with me.”
Lean in and keep talking
Talking is how we connect. Don’t expect to feel connected unless you’re talking and slowly opening up more and more. Let your spouse in. Tell them something personal. Open up. That’s how we really, truly connect.
Lean in and listen longer than you feel like. Ask for more information. And watch as your connection gets restored and the closeness returns.
To know more about reconnecting, getting on the same page and having a together vision, grab a copy of my book below.
