Weathering a Perfect Storm

How to not just survive, but come through the worst storm closer and more in love than before - 6 minute read.

Ever had a perfect storm in your marriage? A near-impossible concoction of horrible circumstances and pain. It's like a frustrating synergy of problems and hurt that seems intent on disconnecting you from each other. And every issue seems to be interacting with the others and compounding the problem.

Now, the inglorious combination of factors is threatening fundamental elements of your relationship. You're both hurt or offended, tempted to withdraw, and you're wondering how the heck you're going to get through. 

Besides the storm, you already juggle a LOT. If you're like most couples, the amount of margin in your life is minimal, your love tanks are both low and your energy levels are sapped. The kids are relentless, work is exhausting and you can't remember when you last had a fun date night or great sex.

It's a perfect storm. The perfect conditions for the most disruption, the most pain, and a severe threat to your marriage. 

Miriam Webster's dictionary defines a perfect storm as "a critical or disastrous situation created by a powerful concurrence of factors".

We went through one last year.

And it was freaking hard.

The storm went on for 12 weeks. And every single day was tough. Some days were worse than others. Sometimes I felt so disconnected I wasn't sure how to even start building a bridge to her.

Then, halfway through, it got worse. We had a major life event happen in our family and our storm got crazier, harder and more complex. But what were we going to do? We just needed to press on, have grace for each other, be loving, keep trying to connect, stay committed and keep talking.

Slowly we began to emerge out the other side. Late December we could both sense a shift. The clouds started to clear. The storm faded and the sun finally came out.

Realistically, a perfect storm is inevitable for every marriage. It's only a matter of time. It's the 5 or 10-hit combo that takes out many couples. Or the slow burn that drags out longer than anyone thinks they can last. Many couples lack the tools to navigate through them. To communicate and stay kind. To lean on their commitment and keep trying to love regardless. Forgiveness is freaking hard sometimes. So is reconnecting in our hearts.

Have you seen The Perfect Storm movie? Worst. Movie. Ever. Don't get me started! 3 hours of my life I'll never get back. In marriage though, sometimes it seems like the wave in front of us just keeps getting bigger and bigger. We're riding in this little boat, trying to get somewhere, sometimes just trying to survive for another week! And the wave can seem impossible to overcome.

But it's not. With just a few tools in your belt, a solid commitment to not giving up and some adjustments to any unhealthy perspectives, you've got a way through.

Below are 10 keys to getting through any storm together so you come out the other side closer. That's right. Not more hurt. Or more disconnected. Closer.

1. Identify all the factors at play

If you can get clear on what is actually going on, you can tackle the problem together, understand appropriate timeframes and begin to put the right things in place. Then, try and form an understanding as to how it affects your life together. How are your energy levels affected, the household chores, your sex life, connection, trust and love tanks? What is happening and how wide-reaching are its effects?

2. Tackle one thing at a time

For most storms, complexity is the issue and therefore a major barrier to overcoming it together. If you can work on one thing at a time and have grace for the others, you'll find some momentum starting to build and that will benefit your whole relationship. For example, I always recommend starting with your connection levels. Once you start to feel connected in your hearts again, everything else becomes much easier. Why? Because connection creates safety which allows vulnerability which builds emotional intimacy.

3. Communicate often and with kindness

Tough seasons cause us to withdraw, often out of self-preservation. This can damage the flow of communication between you, even with the basics like family logistics! Ensure you're taking the time to communicate face-to-face. Logistics are ok via text message but how you're going emotionally needs to be in person (over the phone is ok if you work away).

4. Create margin (both time and emotional)

When you're maxed out emotionally and with your schedule, you don't have the space nor the reserves to work on repairing your relationship or finding healing or growth for yourself. Margin is the gap between your load and your limits. So reduce your emotional load and your time commitments to give you some added margin for your relationship.

5. Connect at all costs

No matter what is going on or how you feel (aside from abuse), do whatever it takes to connect. It might feel shallow and awkward at first. That's ok. Do it anyway. Spend time together. Do fun things together. Go on dates, walks, rides and day trips together. And keep your phone use while you're together to an absolute minimum. The more screen-free, connection-focused time you spend together, the more you'll find yourself enjoying each other again. Get back to having fun. Laugh together. Play. Do things that you enjoy and do them together. 

6. Get help quickly

This might seem like a no-brainer, but the average couple waits 6 YEARS to get help. Don't do that. Get help quickly. Whatever the storm is, however long it's been going, find someone who can help. A marriage counsellor or coach, a wise couple you both respect and adore, a spiritual leader or close friend. We regularly refer couples to professional counselling. It's the best place to go when you have no idea how to deal with what you're walking through.

7. Keep the faith

If you have a faith, lean into it. My faith is the Number 1 reason I get through our hard times. This blog and my book are purposefully not faith-focused, but my relationship with God through Jesus is my greatest source of peace, strength, healing and personal growth and transformation. Also, the faith community we're in surrounds us with incredibly wise and supportive couples. We're never alone and we don't have to journey through hardship by ourselves.

8. Lean on others

Trying to navigate a perfect storm alone is futile. Lean on your friends, family and wise people in your life. Get your kids minded so you can have more date nights, weekends away and sessions with professional help. Spend time with quality friends who will encourage you, build you up, listen to you and support you. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

9. Remember love is commitment

I often remember this when I'm not feeling the love. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a commitment and an action too. When the feeling isn't flowing, just keep up the action and rely on your commitment in the meantime. Commitment is the foundational step you made in getting married that you would never quit when things got hard. At times it's the most basic, bedrock thing we need to lean on while we navigate really difficult seasons.

10. Map a way out

Eventually, you'll come to a point where things have begun to change. We got there after 12 weeks. This is an exciting moment because you can feel that things are different. The storm has started to shift and move on and, even though things aren't fully back to normal, they're not what they were either. So, again, talk about it. What does this new phase look like? How does the plan now shift to help you transition forwards until you're completely out of the storm?

Don't give up. New levels of depth, understanding and intimacy are waiting for you on the other side of every storm. Seek help quickly, be kind in everything and don't stop talking and loving and you'll make it through.

Together and closer.