Keeping Sex on the Table
No, this post isn't about positions or trying something new. (We're sure the table would be an experience though!) What we mean is that sex should be an ongoing discussion. The conversation about sex should weave in and out over time and through every season. Playful jokes, debriefs on the night before, communication about needs, consolation after a difficult experience, saying thank you and setting up the next experience for you both.
When sex is reduced to just meeting the man's needs (or hers!) we need to start communicating around expectations, likes, dislikes, in a loving and supportive way. Otherwise it's too easy to slip into disconnection in this crucial area.
Sex is a fundamental part of your relationship. In this post, 3 Ways to Express Love to your Spouse by One Extraordinary Marriage, they share about the 3 types of love from a Nooma teaching video:
- Rayah: A deep friendship. Soulmate. Darling. A companion. We generally start knowing each other and dating with this type of love.
- Ahava: A willful commitment. This is the love that comes as soon as we know our spouse is the “one” for us.
- Dod: Sexual love. This is the love that produces itself through our physical intimacy.
This is helpful for a number of reasons, not the least is that sex is a fundamental part of loving each other in marriage. As it's also the greatest area of connection and intimacy it carries the greatest potential for hurt and frustration.
How do you get sex back on the table? How do you start the conversation again? Here's a few ideas:
- Watch this: Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage - So funny you'll forget how much you're learning and the 2 sessions on sex spark some great conversation. Also watchable online.
- Do a webinar together: This one is awesome. We love Casey & Meygan from Marriage 365 and this webinar is insightful, practical and gets conversations happening between you.
- Talk about an Instagram account post: Fierce Marriage is great, One Extraordinary Marriage has some helpful content, MarriageMore is good too.
- Read something together: I'll sometimes read to Beck a marriage book or blog post while she works. Check out Love and Respect, His Needs Her Needs, The Sexually Confident Wife, Intimate Issues and of course The 5 Love Languages.
Of course, telling your spouse how important this is and sitting down for a coffee and a chat can be also helpful. I (Darren) always recommend to Beck that she turn up naked. That'll get my interest piqued :)
It's time to go there. Have the hard conversations when they need to be had. Get on the same page together and then go and enjoy each other. Sex is too important to keep it off the table!