The Housework Problem SOLVED
How we fixed the housework saga and how you can do it too
4 minute read
Just Your Typical, Garden Variety Problem
You're not alone. So many couples struggle with the saga of housework. In our experience, most couples would tick the box saying domestic chores are a point of frustration for them. Most couples wade through an infuriating mix of nagging, rolling eyes, just doing it themselves or simply throwing up their arms in a desperate bid to get their spouses to notice and contribute a little bit more.
Sound familiar? Maybe you're making it work. Sure, you're still doing the lion's share but it's far more peaceful than rocking the boat again and, at least your spouse contributes something. Perhaps you're reading this wondering what all the fuss is about. Don't clothes get magically cleaned, dried, ironed and returned to the wardrobe? Read on friend. Your spouse probably sent you this.
Truth: There's almost always an imbalance when it comes to housework.
Even when it's finally working it's only a matter of time before it's not again. Why? Because life isn't stagnant. Things change in life and we are often slow to adjust. Sometimes we lovingly cover our spouse's responsibilities for a while because they're super busy or stressed. That's definitely impressive and generous but what if it becomes the new norm?
My Lightweight Breaking Point
I went to fill up my water bottle at our superpowered water filter a couple of years ago. It was empty. I nearly lost it. The accumulation of crazy and annoying across my day had built up to this moment and I yelled out,
"FAR OUT people. Fill up the water filter when it gets low!!"
It was in my best angry dad voice. Surely I was the ONLY one who ever filled up the reservoir! About that time Beck and I were butting heads on housework and she came up with a brilliant idea.
Beck's Brilliant Idea
"Let's work out who does what around the house and make some changes."
So, we did. Beck wrote down, on a blank A4 page, every single job that needs to happen for our house to function. Everything. From grocery shopping to dusting to taking kids to after-school activities to all the big ones like the laundry, cooking and cleaning the bathrooms.
Next to each job, she wrote who generally did it, most of the time. Her name appeared far more than I was comfortable with. By the end of the little activity, I was actually embarrassed. Sure, my name appeared next to some good-sized tasks like washing up and vacuuming. But the imbalance was punching me in the face.
And no one's name was next to filling up the water filter.
Yet.
We talked about our current context. Everything that was happening in my life and hers. And we reallocated names to tasks. We were shooting for 'fair' because that's a pretty good baseline, even if it's a terrible end goal. Our kids have always had chores so we wrote their names next to some tasks too.
By the end, we had a new game plan. One that we had agreed on together. It felt like, for the first time in a long time, we were on the same page when it came to the housework.
Guess whose job it was to fill the water filter? Mine. And it still is to this day. And, even now, I can't get frustrated at anyone else when the water is low. Why? Because it's my responsibility. And I'm good with that.
Your Housework Game Plan
We recommend a similar path for every couple where this is a frustration. Take an hour, get a sheet of blank paper and get ready to get on the same page and possibly have some healthy, robust discussion too.
Write down everything that needs to happen for your household to function.
Write down the name of the person who does it.
Consider everything that is on both of your plates. What is your current context for the new plan? Think of work, volunteering, extra-curricular commitments, whatever takes time and/or energy.
Write down names next to the more obvious jobs. Consider your preferences and skills too. For example, I'm good at budgets and money stuff so I manage that for our family.
Then fill in all the blanks. Together. Be flexible, and generous and aim for what is fair.
Now, you can save yourself a little bit of time here and download my A4 printable worksheet. That will help you get started. Print yourself a copy and you're on your way!
You've just got one more major key to consider. Love.
Honestly, I'm a bit annoyed with 'fairness'.
Fairness is a good starting point but it’s a terrible goal. Why? Because love isn't fair.
Fairness is when I'm considering myself, my needs, my time, my energy and I'm focused on self-preservation. Love is when I'm considering my spouse. Her needs, her energy, her time. Love is generous. Kind. Giving. Love is self-sacrificing. It serves the other person. That's the golden key in all this. Allocate roles and jobs and responsibilities sure. But the overarching goal should be to serve each other generously as an act of love.
Recommended Resources
The Happy Marriage - Yep, I know it’s my book but the 2nd section is all about unity (How to get on the same page as your spouse about anything important).
The 80/80 Marriage - Such a helpful book! It's like a deep dive into your unity as a couple and they also shed light on the model of marriage you're probably working in. Get it!
Follow me on Instagram and Tiktok and let me know how you went!
Darren
