The Top 6 Influences on Your Sex Life
What are the main factors that influence intimacy in your bedroom? 6-minute read
There are outside influences on your sex life. Things that happen behind the scenes, invisible elements at work, forces at play. It's not as sinister as that sounds but these are very real factors that make a contribution, either positive or negative, in your bedroom.
These factors have power. They can disrupt a month's worth of good sex, undermine a beautiful moment between you or play a background role in years of lovemaking that keeps missing the mark. Or they can help build the sexual tension between you resulting in some really red hot sex. They can contribute to years of wonderful, connected lovemaking and make good sexual encounters better and more deeply satisfying to your souls.
These factors can help you or hinder you. They can be an accelerator or a brake. They can help build a wonderful sexual history or they can frame the reason you've struggled for so long and feel disconnected in your hearts.
Recognise them. Consider them. Talk about them.
Here are the 6 factors that influence sex. There are possibly more, but most things that affect a couple's sex life will fall into one of the following categories:
1. Safety
The level of emotional safety each person feels in the relationship will determine how much they can let their guard down and be emotionally present and liberated in making love.
Consider what happens when you don't feel accepted by someone. You don't feel free to be yourself, to open up and be vulnerable or to engage with them at a heart level. You relate in a guarded way. You're self-protective and even cautious in the moment.
A spouse who doesn't feel emotionally safe, accepted and heard may have real trouble connecting in the bedroom.
Emotional intimacy is the foundation for physical intimacy.
How much emotional safety is in the relationship will play an enormous role in how free and engaged the sex can be. "Am I able to be open with you, be vulnerable and still be accepted and loved? Can I trust you with my heart?"
Couples who feel emotionally safe simply have more freedom, more fun and more emotionally connected sex.
2. Context
At any given time there are many external factors influencing every relationship and each person's desire for sex. This is your specific context.
Morning breath anyone? Kids awake at 10pm because they can't sleep? Low libido due to medication? You get my point. Context is everything.
Some more examples. What are her hormones doing? What is his level of stress? What is looping in her mind? How is guilt rolling around in his? What about chronic pain or medical conditions that make enjoyable sex difficult?
What about your burdens? What are you carrying on top of everyday life? Are you energy-poor, money-poor or lacking margin in your life?
How about your stage of life? Young kids are exhausting. So are teenagers but in a totally different way. Your stage of life is a strong indicator of your context and what will influence your intimacy.
What about the season you're in right now? Is post-COVID life back to crazy-busy all the time? Maybe one of you is sick or struggling with your mental health.
Everything is context and many of these elements contribute to the overarching relationship and environment making it more or less conducive to a healthy sex life.
3. Communication
Put simply, couples that talk about sex have better sex. Only 9% of couples who rarely talk about sex have a satisfying sex life.
Couples who have good communication have greater unity. They feel more on the same page about stuff. This is especially true when it comes to the big topics of money, housework, parenting and... sex.
Do you understand each other when it comes to sex? Is there an understanding of frequency, expectations, preferences, fears, attachment needs and where sex sits on the priority list for you both?
Do you have healthy, clear and loving communication about sex? If not, how will your spouse know what you want and how you feel about it?
4. Connection
I talk about connection a lot. No really. Like. A LOT.
Connection is important and it absolutely affects your sex life. The withdrawer generally wants to feel connected before sex happens. The pursuer generally wants sex to feel connected.
If you don't feel connected to each other on a heart level sex might even be off the cards for the night! Couples who prioritise time together, debriefing the day, date nights, talking and truly connecting have more and better sex.
Are you feeling close, prioritising your connection and making time and effort to connect daily?
Want to know how connected you both feel? Grab this survey, print 2 copies, fill them out separately and discuss your answers together.
5. Intentionality
Here's a biggie. Don't expect to have a thriving sex life if you think it'll all happen organically and magically. Maybe in the early years, sure. But when life starts happening to you and kids come along intentionality is important and it should come from both partners.
Are we making sex a priority? Is non-sexual touch and affection happening? Are we intentionally pursuing one another? Are we being intentional about our sex life or are we just blasé?
The pursuer is likely to be the one who is most naturally intentional and who has sex as a high priority.
Try scheduling sex. Especially on busy weeks or months. Have a date night sometimes where you intentionally talk about your sex life. Read books, listen to podcasts and grow your understanding, broaden your mind together. Our fav podcast is Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy (Spotify/Apple)
6. Mindset
What mentality about sex did you bring into your marriage? What cultural or religious roots does it have? Your mindset about sex will have an incredible influence on your experience of sex in your marriage.
Were you taught to think about sex as dirty or wrong? Or maybe it's only meant to be pleasurable for the man? Do you feel a sense of guilt or shame after sex with your spouse?
Arousal and interest are as much mind as they are body.
Maybe you had a horrible experience with sex. Maybe you were the victim of abuse or rape. Maybe sex has just been bland and stale and your sexual chemistry together has fizzled out.
Work on it. Get educated and find freedom. Speak with a counsellor or psychologist if you need to. Work on having a healthy relationship with eroticism and pleasure. Get your chemistry back.
Don't let your mind or your mindset destroy your sexual intimacy and pleasure with your spouse.
Noteworthy extra - Teamwork
If there's a chronic lack of teamwork in your marriage when it comes to practical things like housework, parenting your children together and being on the same page with your finances it's going to influence your sex life.
A lack of feeling supported can be a huge barrier to wanting sex with a lazy spouse.
Are you doing life as a team or does it feel like one of you is carrying most of the load? A one-sidedness to life or load will inhibit the sense of togetherness, affect unity and spill over into a lack of intimacy.
These 6 factors are the primary influences in effect at all times in your relationship and sex life. Which ones are affecting you the most right now?
Share this with your spouse then talk about which of the 6 is the most negative and how to tackle it together. And discuss which one is the most positive.
